Haven

Wanda is the devil.

I'm not kidding.

Tomorrow, she is enrolling me, North, and Ver in school. She says she can't teach us and take care of Dad.

My life is hell and Wanda is the devil.

Current Location: Hades
Current Mood: stabby
Current Music: Masterplan

A woman showed up at our door this morning. She said she was my dad's sister and that she was here to take care of him.

My dad has a sister?

I wouldn't have let her in at all, except she looks just like my dad, but with long hair and no mustache. "You must be Willow," she said when I asked her to come in. Then she did the strangest thing and held up her hand, like she was going to high-five me. I just stared at her.

"Put your hand up," she said. I did and she touched her palm to mine. It was the weirdest thing, all of a sudden I KNEW she was my aunt and I could feel what she was feeling. She met North and Ver and did the same hand thing with them. When I led her into Dad's room, she did the same thing, only they sat there for a very long time, palms touching, not speaking.

Her name is Wanda.

Current Location: the Twilight Zone -- yet again
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: American Hi-Fi

Quick update:

Friday: Finished my dress and looked ravishing for my first official date. Linc took me to dinner at this Italian place in the next town over. Afterwards, we came home and finished watching Firefly and watched Serenity. It was funny when he recognized my River dress. I love him, I really do.

Saturday: Stayed home, cleaned, cooked. Dad had a quiet, restful day. I wish I thought he was getting better. But I know he's not.

Sunday: Took the kids on a short picnic with Linc. Helped the kids with their Halloween costumes for Tuesday night. North is going to be a pirate, Ver is going to be Blue. I'm just wearing medieval-type clothes. (I'd wear my River dress but I don't think anyone would really get it and I don't want to freeze to death.)

Everything will work out. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Ryan's Hope -- Exorcism

Last night, Linc asked my dad if he could take me out on a date Friday night. Dad said it was OK, as long as I'm not out too late. He says he'll be fine with North and Ver to watch over him.

So, I'm frantically sewing on my River dress, trying to finish it.

Is it wrong to feel a little happy, even if my dad is dying?

Current Mood: working
Current Music: the sewing machine

Linc came over again tonight.

Dad sent me out of his room, while he yelled on the phone to whoever. I sat down on the couch with Ver curled up on one side of me and North leaning against me on the other side. Linc was putting a Firefly DVD into the player when it happened.

North: Is Dad going to be OK?
Me: Dad is going to be -- (I tried to say fine or OK but I couldn't.)
Ver: You can't lie to us.
Me: I think he's going to die.
North: Who will take care of us?
Ver: Dree will. Won't you?
Me: Of course I will!

Linc looks over at me totally confused. "Of course you will what?" he asked.

"Take care of the kids," I said. "Didn't you just hear..." He shook his head. And that's when I realized it.

The three of us, huddled together on the couch, hadn't spoken out loud, not until I blurted out "of course I will." I guess this knowing what each other thinking is a family thing.

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Firefly theme

I've been too busy to write. Taking care of my increasingly sick dad, watching out for the kids, and worrying is all I have time for. And none of it's doing any good.

I think my dad is dying.

But he's lucid. He won't go to the hospital, he just keeps saying someone will come. Who? What good can anyone do at this point? North just pretends that everything is fine, but even he can't lie to Ver. She won't even talk anymore.

Yesterday, I sent them to the store to pick up a few groceries. They came home with Linc. I know that North doesn't really like him but he seemed to know that I needed him and so he went to the library and talked Linc into coming to see me. I don't even remember why we fought. Linc took one look at my tired, ugly, haggard face and held out his arms. It felt so good to actually let go and cry. Then he made dinner for us and looked in on my dad while I took a much-needed shower.

I told Linc where he could find this lj. I have no idea what he'll think but I want him to understand me. If I lose my dad, who is there that really knows me?

Dad's cell phone just keeps ringing. Now he sends me out of the room when he answers it. Who keeps calling? Why? Is it the mysterious someone he keeps referring to? The person we're running from? When will that person get here?

And can they do anything to save my dad?

Current Location: hell, or somewhere close to it
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: the dishwasher

I stayed up pretty much all night with Dad. He was restless and feverish but still pretty lucid. I asked him what I should do. "Help is coming," he said.

Oh, really now?

He wouldn't say anymore and changed the subject. There's a certain trunk of his in the closet that belonged to him and Mom. When he told me to bring it to him, I was shocked. None of us kids have ever been allowed to touch it before. But I did what he said.

I couldn't really see what was inside when he opened it. Dad pulled out three pieces of cloth wrapped around heavy objects and handed them to me. "These are for you, North, and Ver. Don't look at them yet. You'll need them later. For now, put them someplace safe." I was confused (I still am!) but I took them from him and hid them in a box in my closet. It was very tempting to sneak a peek, but Dad is acting so odd...

So, who (or what) help is coming? What did he give me tonight? And what if Dad doesn't get better this time?

Linc is coming over later. I'm about to tell him everything. I need someone to talk to and he's it, there isn't anyone else. If only Dad would talk to me...

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Alien Ant Farm

My dad is sick. Very sick. I don't know what to do. Last night, he was so sick (throwing up, high fever), I almost called 911. He's sleeping right now but his fever is still high. At least he knows who we are, not like last time. I asked him if he should go see a doctor and he kinda laughed about it and said not to worry, it won't last too much longer.

I'm still mad at Linc. We didn't talk for almost two days, but he called me last night and apologized. OK. So, he apologized, that doesn't change the issue.

Dad's phone is ringing. I turned it off yesterday after it rang seven or eight different times. I wanted to answer it, but Dad wouldn't let me. He sometimes answers it, but he goes in the bathroom and runs the water so I can't hear what he's saying. Who keeps calling and what do they want?

I feel like my entire life is falling apart and I can't stop it or fix it.

Current Location: ?
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Plain White T's

Does it seem odd to you that I've never met Linc's family? or any of his friends?

When I asked him about it, he started making all sorts of excuses. "Don't you want them to meet me?" I asked point blank. "Are you ashamed of me?"

He never really answered, just said I was being silly.

"Do they even know about me?" I asked.

He walked away.

I don't get it! I don't think I am being silly about this. We've been together long enough now that I should have met SOMEone connected to him, but I haven't. When we're together, we're at the library, or my place, or the park on my side of town.

Should I be worried? Too late, I am worried.

Current Location: the couch
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Nuttin' But Stringz

I'm home, and safe, for the moment.

After Linc got done with school on Friday, we headed into the mountains for the weekend. We pitched the tents, ate a typical dinner (whatever could be speared on a stick and placed in the fire), and headed to bed.

Saturday morning, Ver and I made breakfast (pancakes, eggs, and bacon on the little grill) and Linc and I decided to go on a hike.

We got lost.

Not just a little lost but the kind of lost where we ended up sleeping in the middle of nowhere and practically froze/starved to death. OK, so I'm slightly exaggerating. We were in no danger of dying, at least not right away, but we did spend the night rather uncomfortably under a tree.

I freaked out, just a bit. But I knew North could find us, so I told Linc we needed to stay put instead of wandering off any further. And I was right. Maybe an hour after the sun came up Sunday morning, there was North. We were saved.

It was scary, though. I love nature and camping, but being stuck out in it over night with nothing...no, thanks.

Linc was surprised that North had found us so easily. All I said was that North is a genius when it came to the great outdoors. What was I supposed to say? That North NEVER gets lost and ALWAYS knows where the rest of the family is? Going into that just opens the door to the rest of my family's peculiarities, none of which I'm ready to discuss yet.

I'd better go. Dad is hacking up a lung in the other room and he'll never find the cough syrup on his own.

Current Location: in the light and warmth of home
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Rufio

We're going camping in the mountains this weekend and Dad invited Linc. I'm both happy and worried about the situation.

Happy because I love Linc and I love being with him. Everything is shiny between us and we'll actually have a chance to be alone together and hike or something.

Worried because Dad's stupid phone won't stop ringing. Worried because I think we'll be moving again soon. Worried that Dad only invited Linc because he's giving me one last opportunity to be with Linc before he ruins my life. Worried because Dad is worried.

I've already decided that if we move again, I WILL find a way to stay in touch with Linc. I don't care what my dad says. I love Linc and I've never been happier than the last month, even if I am crazy or whatever.

And I've decided that, if I do move again, I'll finally let Linc read this.

I just have this strange need for SOMEone, ANYone to know that I exist, that I live. I feel like nothing has ever been permanent in my life, other than my family. And no one knows I'm here, other than my family. What if I just disappear tomorrow? I've left no permanent mark, other than this journal. And how permanent is anything online?

But if Linc remembers me, if North and Ver remember me...does that mean I existed, I lived?

Current Location: the library
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Fall Out Boy

North and I have been working with Ver on her reading. She's doing so well, so much smarter than me! North thinks she's ready for algebra but I'm not so sure. I'm definitely not the one to teach her math.

Linc thinks it's weird that I'm basically teaching the other two, that my dad should be doing that instead. Dad helps, but we're pretty much on our own. Then Linc wanted to know what Dad did all day if I taught/watched the kids, because he doesn't work.

I didn't really have an answer for that. All I could say is that Dad's on the computer a lot. (And he got another TWO calls today, but I'm trying to ignore that.)

My mom used to teach North and I, before. Dad's always been on the outside. I don't know why. He's just not like us, I guess. I still don't know what he does all day. Maybe I'll ask. Maybe he'll actually answer instead of telling me I'm silly.

But I don't want to bug him, he may uproot us again.

Current Location: here
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Sara Evans

HAhahaha!

Linc LOVED it, I knew he would! We watched the first two disks yesterday and he was hooked, from the very beginning. He's coming over in a little bit to watch another episode or two. He understands my love of River and even flattered me that I look a bit like her. My hair would be the only reason, I'm nowhere near as pretty or graceful. I'm glad he doesn't know I'm also crazy like her, though not in quite the same way.

I've been sewing (I know, don't die of shock!) a replica of the dress River wears in Serenity and it should be done before we finish the series and watch the movie.

Dad is all better, at least physically. The phone rang again today and he spent some more time outside, yelling.

I'm starting to be really concerned.

Current Location: the sewing machine
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: all-american rejects

Today, Dad got a phone call. That in itself is suspicious. I've never heard his phone ring before, EVER. North, Ver, and I have one phone and ours rings all the time, usually Dad calling but lately Linc as well. :) But no one ever calls Dad.

Then, he went outside and I could hear him yelling at whoever was on the phone. I couldn't hear a word of what he was saying but I've never seen him so upset.

When he finally came in, I asked who it was. He said it was a wrong number. But why would he yell at them and stay on the phone for so long?

I only hope it doesn't mean we have to move again. I like it here. Maybe I'll refuse, or run away.

Current Location: the couch
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Just Surrender

Linc would really like to read my journal, something about how I'm always typing along and he's curious about what I find to say. I'm still not sure how I feel about him knowing so much about me. He could just look since this journal is public, but I haven't told him my name, and he swears he hasn't even tried to find it.

Tonight I'm going to let him in on one of my other obsessions besides journaling: Firefly. He heard me listening to the soundtrack yesterday and wanted to know what it was from so I launched into great detail about my favorite show ever. And of course about River.

I just relate to her, you know? I can't think of many teenaged girls who WOULDN'T identify with her. She's been broken. And all the damage that's been done to her keeps her overwhelmed by the world. So she's in her own little world and nobody really understands her.

Kinda like ME.

Anyway, my complete lapse into geekiness was really funny to Linc. Just you wait, though. I predict he'll be hooked before the first episode is over.

Then I'll laugh at him. :)

Current Location: Here
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: Fuel

Linc taught me how to drive today.

It was so much fun. And so illegal. But we were on the backroads in the middle of nowhere and no one will ever know.

He was really cute about it. I guess his dad taught him and his sister how to drive when they were like eight or nine. In fact, Linc couldn't believe I didn't know how. When I asked him why it was such a big deal, he said, "You never know what might happen."

Too true.

So, I now know how to drive, an automatic at least. He says he'll teach me manual later.

*squees*

Have I said I love Linc?

Current Location: home
Current Mood: illegal
Current Music: Hoobastank

Dad seems to be all better. Thank goodness! In addition to worrying about him and taking care of the kids, I've done more cooking in the last few days than usual. My cooking is less-than-perfect and all of us were very, very thankful that Dad made french toast for breakfast. He also felt well enough to watch North and Ver so I got some Dree time, all to myself.

I'm at the library, of course. Linc will be here as soon as school is out and... :) There is a nice make-out spot on the second floor. :)

Current Location: out of the woods
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Firefly soundtrack

Dad seemed better today. At least he recognized his own kids.

When I went to check on him this morning, he was just waking up. I asked how he was feeling, while backing away slightly, worried that he might try to hit me again. He must have seen something on my face because he asked what was wrong. I told him about the day before, stopping just before the part where I'd felt what he was feeling.

And he laughed. "Don't be silly, Willow," he said, and refused to talk about it.

Silly?

Now I'm glad I haven't said anything about the feeling thing, or any of my other concerns. If he thinks I'm silly now, he'll agree that I'm crazy later.

Grrr! I wasn't being silly.

It's cold here today, more like winter than fall. Linc came by after school (since he didn't have to work today) and stayed for a little while. When we were saying goodbye outside, he asked why all of us were on edge.

He's not even crazy and he could sense it. But what did I say? Instead of explaining anything about Dad's illness, I just said he was being silly.

Linc didn't appreciate it, either.

Current Location: Here
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Sarah Marie Mullen

I thought he was getting better but earlier today he suddenly started screaming bloody murder.

The kids and I were watching a movie in the front room. I jumped up and ran to see what was wrong. He was sweating and bright red and screaming.

And he didn't know me.

I went to touch his head, check how hot he was, and he tried to hit me. He was screaming for my mother at the top of his lungs. He didn't know me and he didn't know North or Ver. I didn't know what to do! He wouldn't let me near him.

There was no other option, really. I pushed the kids out of the room and shut the door, so it was just me and him. I concentrated very, very hard, willing him to calm down, lay down, go to sleep. Over and over I let the words run through my mind, through my heart, wanting his calmness more than anything else at the moment.

It didn't work.

For a moment I almost flipped out. After all this time, thinking I could actually influence stuff... And then I started thinking about what I knew I had controlled in the past and realized I had NEVER tried to control a person. So what could I control? What might calm him down and go to sleep?

What works with Ver or North when they're sick?

I started humming, just kind of randomly, and concentrated on the temperature of the room. The room started to heat up. It wasn't easy, or fast. Every time he screamed for my mom, my heart seemed to skip and I had to start all over. Finally, finally the combination of my soft humming and the extra warm room worked and he stopped screaming and rustling around. I opened my eyes and he was asleep.

His face was burning up when I felt it. And with my hand on his forehead, I started feeling so many different things it made me dizzy. So many things I couldn't understand, places I'd never seen, faces I'd never met. Most disturbing of all, a glimpse of Earth, surrounding by the stars.

Who is he?

Who am I?

Current Location: outer space
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Hammerfall

The fog comes in on little cat feet...I can barely see across the street.

*laughs* Yes, folks, I am crazy!

I feel claustrophobic, though, the way the fog covers everything and clings to me. It's been around all day and it doesn't seem to be moving any time soon.

Linc came by today (the kids and I stayed home with Dad, who finally seems to be mending) after he got off work. We sat out on the porch and had hot chocolate and talked. I got a little ticked at him for teasing me about the way I talk. He thinks it's funny that I speak properly and don't use a lot of slang.

Where would I learn slang? I asked him. Everything I know, I've learned from books and movies and (starting about a year ago) the internet. I've seen that maybe I do talk differently from other teens (OMG WTF? u r a qt OH NOES!!!!) but that's who I am. I believe in spelling and punctuation and that there are certain rules to be followed when communicating civilly with other people.

So shoot me. If you can see me through the fog, that is. :)

Current Location: a island in the fog
Current Mood: foggy
Current Music: Moxy Fruvous